Left Text Box
Enter Polonius and Reynaldo.
POLONIUS
Reynaldo, when you get to Paris, give these notes and money to Laertes. And be sure to inquire about his behavior before you see him.
REYNALDO
Will do, my lord.
POLONIUS
Excellent. First, go into town and talk to the locals. Find out where the prominent Danes hang out and ask about how they spend their money. Pay particular attention to what Laertes may be doing with his own money. Do you understand?
REYNALDO
I understand.
POLONIUS
Let no one know you are gathering information. Make is seem as if the information you are getting from them is not from them that you’re getting. Does that make sense?
REYNALDO
Yes, it does. In every way.
POLONIUS
Don’t be too direct. As men of understanding and wisdom, we know how to extract information through indirect methods. Pretend you know Laertes’ family and friends, but not him personally. Then, throw out a few false statements about him and see what type of response you receive.
REYNALDO
What kind of lies should I tell?
POLONIUS
Lies about engaging in bestiality, tax evasion, whore-mongering, gambling and spitting. The usual behavior typical of men his age. Feel free to take it as far as you wish.
REYNALDO
Will that not bring him dishonor and ruin his reputation?
POLONIUS
Do not bring him dishonor by making statements that will ruin his reputation.
But, if you must ruin his reputation, do it in a way which will not bring him dishonor.
Phrase your statements in an indirect but artful manner so that, if anyone agrees with you, it will confirm that Laertes has been up to doing those things.
REYNALDO
Brilliant!
POLONIUS
Go on, now. Gather as much information as you can about my son.
REYNALDO
Most eagerly, my lord.
POLONIUS
Good-bye. Fare you well.
(Exit Reynaldo.)
(Enter Ophelia.)
OPHELIA
Father!
POLONIUS
Ophelia! Are you ok?
OPHELIA
It’s Hamlet! He is not well!
POLONIUS
What happened?
OPHELIA
I was in my sewing room when he walked in looking ragged and deranged.
POLONIUS
What did he say? What did he do?
OPHELIA
He didn’t say anything. He simply walked up, grabbed my wrist with one hand, placed the other on his forehead and stared at me. Then he shook my arm vigorously, nodded three times and sighed loudly as if he were about to die.
POLONIUS
That’s rather odd.
OPHELIA
Then he walked away without taking his eyes off me.
POLONIUS
What did you do to provoke him?
OPHELIA
All I did was send back his letters and refused to see him. Just as you told me to.
POLONIUS
How foolish of me to underestimate the stupidity of young people in love.
The poor lad has gone crazy.
We must tell the King.
Keeping this thing a secret may cause greater grief than the anger caused by its revelation.
(Exeunt.)
Right Text Box
Act 2, Scene 2
Flourish. Enter King and Queen, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, with Attendants.
KING: Welcome dear Rosenstern and Guildencrantz.
ROSENCRANTZ: I’m Rosencrantz.
GUILDENSTERN: And I’m Guildenstern.
KING: We’ve summoned you to help us understand the mystery behind Hamlet’s strange behavior.
QUEEN: We know you’re two of his closest friends.
KING: We’re asking you to observe him and report back to us anything that may help explain his sudden mental illness.
GUILDENSTERN: Is this more of a command than a request?
QUEEN: You’ll be rewarded for your help.
ROSENCRANTZ: Then, it’s our duty to serve the King, Queen, and country.
KING: Thank you, Rosenstern and gentle Guildencrantz.
QUEEN: Thank you, Guildencrantz and gentle Rosenstern. .
ROSENCRANTZ: It’s Rosencrantz.
GUILDENSTERN: (whispers) Shut up. Just take the money.
QUEEN: Thank you both.
(To Servants) Escort these gentlemen to Hamlet.
(Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern)
(Enter Polonius)
POLONIUS: The ambassadors have returned from Norway with great news!
KING: As always, Polonius, you’re up-to-date.
POLONIUS: And I have discovered the reason for Hamlet’s madness.
KING: We’re eager to hear it.
POLONIUS: Let the ambassadors speak first. My news will be the icing on the cake!
(Exit Polonius)
KING: (To Queen) He says he knows why Hamlet is acting strange.
QUEEN: I suppose he’s been traumatized by our hasty marriage.
KING: Maybe we should have waited another week.
(Enter Voltemand and Cornelius)
VOLTEMAND: Your majesty, the Norwegian King has convinced his nephew Fortinbras to abandon his plans to attack us.
KING: That’s great news. How was the Norwegian King able appeal to Fortinbras’ nobler senses?
VOLTEMAND: Through bribery.
KING: Hey, whatever works.
CORNELIUS: Now, Fortinbras is turning his sword towards Poland. The Norwegian King asks that you allow him safe passage through Denmark as he marches against the Poles.
KING: I’ll have to think about that.
(Exit Cornelius and Voltemand)
KING: Polonius, tell us your explanation for Hamlet’s madness.
POLONIUS:
Yes, as is my duty. But what is duty?
Why is day day and night night?
Why is time time?
Doesn’t pondering such things waste day, night, and time?
KING: (Aside) Oh, here we go.
POLONIUS: But since brevity is the soul of wit and dullness lives in elaborate outward…
QUEEN: Polonius! Get to the point.
POLONIUS: Okay, to be brief, Hamlet has lost his mind.
He’s flipped his lid and it’s a shame that it’s true.
If we had to define it, we would call it insanity.
But by defining it, doesn’t that make us insane too?
QUEEN: It’s crazy, but true.
POLONIUS:
Exactly. We need to find out what caused this effect.
Or, what caused this defect since there must be a cause that affects his defects.
KING: I need another drink.
POLONIUS:
No, stay with me. I have one of Hamlet’s letters to Ophelia that proves my theory.
(reads letter)
Do you really think the stars are fire?
Or that the sun’s a spinning tire?
Truth can be a liar, that is true,
But will not hide my love for you.
My poetic skills are lame,
Most my writings sound the same,
A lifeless lump, no pulse, no sound,
As a furry creature, once renowned,
No more running, no more tread.
The wheel spins but the hamster’s dead.
Until my machine gives up,
Mark my overflowing cup,
If you don’t like it, what the heck?
Just kidding, I love you,
Nothing can change that, it’s totally true!
Love,
Hamlet”
QUEEN: Hamlet wouldn’t write such unhinged gibberish.
POLONIUS: Think about it, what other explanation could there be for his behavior?
KING:
(To Queen)
Polonius may have a valid argument.
QUEEN: I remain unconvinced.
POLONIUS: Trust me, I have always been right in the past.
KING: You have been wrong on many occasions.
POLONIUS: Let’s put that aside and focus on this. Hamlet is known to wander these halls at this time of day. I will send my daughter to cross his path, and we will secretly watch them to see if my suspicions are correct. If I am wrong, I will leave my position and take up a job as a dung shoveler.
KING:
There’s no need for you to leave your position.
(Enter Hamlet reading a book)
QUEEN: Here comes Hamlet. He looks miserable.
POLONIUS: Please, go both of you. Let me talk to him alone.
(Exit King and Queen)
POLONIUS: How is my good lord?
HAMLET: I am well, and you?
POLONIUS: Do you know who I am?
HAMLET: Yes, you’re a fishmonger.
POLONIUS: I am no fishmonger.
HAMLET: Then I wish you were as honorable as one. For if the sun finds rotting flesh good enough to kiss and breed maggots, then… wait a minute, you have a daughter?
POLONIUS: Yes, I do.
HAMLET: Conception is creation and can be either a blessing or a curse. You are a fishmonger, but you may have a baker in the family. One with a loaf in the oven. Don’t let her walk in the sun for she may also be kissed by it and breed.
POLONIUS: (Aside) He acknowledges me in his speech yet continues to talk about my daughter. (To Hamlet) What are you reading?
HAMLET: Words.
POLONIUS: Words?
HAMLET: Word.
POLONIUS: What is the matter?
HAMLET: The matter with what?
POLONIUS: I meant… the book.
HAMLET: Interesting you should ask. It’s about old men with grey beards, wrinkled faces, and runny eyes. (Stares at Polonius) The author states that old men are intellectually dull and weak at the knees. I think it’s wrong of him to write such things since you yourself will grow old like I will, if you could go back in time.
POLONIUS: (Aside) Though this may seem madness, there is a method to it.
(To Hamlet) Would you like to take a walk, my lord?
HAMLET: You mean go to my grave?
POLONIUS: Yes, that would be stepping out of the air. (Aside) His answers are filled with profound truth and meaning.
(To Hamlet) I will take my leave of you, my lord.
HAMLET: You cannot take anything from me that I would not willingly part with… except my life.
POLONIUS: Farewell, my lord.
HAMLET: (Aside) Stupid old bastard.
(Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern)
POLONIUS: You’re looking for Lord Hamlet?
GUILDENSTERN: Yes.
POLONIUS: There he is. Good luck.
ROSENCRANTZ
God save you, sir.
(Polonius exits)
HAMLET
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, my two most excellent friends. How are you?
ROSENCRANTZ
We are as well as the average children of the earth.
HAMLET
That’s unfortunate to hear.
GUILDENSTERN
We are content with not being too content, as we know we are not the brightest crayons in the box.
HAMLET
You are correct in that.
ROSENCRANTZ
Thank you, my lord.
HAMLET
Are you enjoying the favors of fortune or are you struggling?
ROSENCRANTZ
We are currently in the midst of her favor.
HAMLET
Such scoundrels! What’s new?
ROSENCRANTZ
Nothing new, except that the world has grown more honest.
HAMLET
What have you done to deserve being in prison?
GUILDENSTERN
What prison?
HAMLET
Denmark.
ROSENCRANTZ
I see Denmark as a good place, not a bad one.
HAMLET
As the saying goes, there’s nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so. Therefore, it is a prison.
ROSENCRANTZ
Perhaps it is your own ambition that makes Denmark feel like a prison, Sire.
HAMLET
It’s not my ambition, but the nightmares that haunt me and make my life so unbearable. If it weren’t for those nightmares, I wouldn’t have any dreams at all.
GUILDENSTERN
Dreams are ambition that stirs a man’s desire. Desire is but a shadow of a dream.
HAMLET
Is a dream not, in itself, a shadow?
ROSENCRANTZ
Ambition is but a shadow of a shadow.
HAMLET
It is what it is, I suppose. Why have you come to Elsinore?
ROSENCRANTZ
We came to visit you, for no other reason.
HAMLET
Did you come on your own or were you summoned?
GUILDENSTERN
We were summoned by the King and Queen.
HAMLET
I knew it! What a strange and unpredictable creature man is. Man gives me no pleasure. And neither does woman, as implied by the stupid look on your faces.
ROSENCRANTZ
No such thoughts came to mind, sir.
HAMLET
So, why did you smile when I said man gives me no delight?
ROSENCRANTZ
Because it might please you to learn about a group of actors coming to Elsinore.
HAMLET
Which actors?
ROSENCRANTZ
The ones you were so fond of as a child.
HAMLET
Why are they coming here?
ROSENCRANTZ
They were too controversial for their town and were forced to leave.
HAMLET
Are they as good as they were when we were kids?
ROSENCRANTZ
Nothing is what it used to be, Sire.
GUILDENSTERN
They are still very good but they were outperformed by a female dog. The bitches.
HAMLET
That’s a tough act to follow.
GUILDENSTERN
Life can be fickle and strange.
HAMLET
Fickle but not strange. My uncle was once the butt of many jokes, but now the same people who ridiculed him pay top dollar for his miniature portrait.
GUILDENSTERN
Here come the players.
HAMLET
I welcome you both. However, my uncle-father and aunt-mother are deceived.
GUILDENSTERN
In what way?
HAMLET
I am only crazy when the wind blows north by northwest. When it blows from the south, I know a hand from a hacksaw.
(Polonius enters)
POLONIUS
Good day, gentlemen.
HAMLET
Observe this overgrown boob. He is not yet out of his diapers.
ROSENCRANTZ
Perhaps it’s his second go at them.
HAMLET
It’s likely he will bring news we already know. Watch this… Oh, yes, it was on Monday morning, perhaps the day after yesterday or the day before tomorrow. I have difficulty remembering…
POLONIUS
Lord, I have news for you.
HAMLET
And I have news for you! When Roscius was an actor in Rome, it was the first century BC.
POLONIUS
And?
HAMLET
He died.
POLONIUS
Then what?
HAMLET
He’s still dead.
POLONIUS
That’s sad.
HAMLET
So, what news do you have?
POLONIUS
The actors are coming!
HAMLET
Really? The actors are coming to Elsinore!? Oh, Jephthah, judge of Israel, what a treasure you had. One fair daughter and no more, for whom he had utmost love.
POLONIUS (Aside)
He continues to talk about my daughter.
HAMLET
Am I right, Jepthah?
POLONIUS
Jepthah? I have nothing in common with him.
HAMLET
That’s not true.
POLONIUS
Then, what is true?
HAMLET
Read the book and find the answer for yourself. Here come the actors.
(Four or five players enter)
Welcome, all. You have all changed so much since the last time I saw you. Your voices have cracked! Give us a taste of your quality; give us a passionate speech.
FIRST PLAYER
What speech, my lord?
HAMLET
I heard you recite a speech once. It was never acted, but I thought it was very clever, skillfully written with well-plotted scenes. The critics bashed it. They thought it sucked, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I particularly liked the part where Pyrrhus slaughtered Priam. If you still remember these lines, let me see…
Oh, rugged Pyrrhus, his purpose black as the night while he lay hidden in the ominous Trojan horse. He has now smeared this terrifying black complexion with dismaying colors. Head to toe, he is now totally red, horribly covered with the blood of fathers, mothers, daughters, and sons. It has baked and dried with the heat of the burning streets. He has roasted in fury and fire and is covered with bloody gore. His eyes glow like fiery jewels as the hellish Pyrrhus seeks old grandfather Priam. He turns a fierce and damned light toward their king’s murder. Now, go on, take it from there.
POLONIUS
Bravo! Well spoken, with good accent and good discretion.
FIRST PLAYER
Old Priam fought with all his might,
But Pyrrhus was too strong, too bright.
With one swift blow, the old man fell,
His sword dropped as he bid farewell.
Stuck between desire and action,
Pyrrhus paused, unsure of his reaction.
But vengeance soon aroused his sense,
And he returned to the bloody offense.
Never before had the war god seen,
A hammer fall with such cruel mean,
As Pyrrhus’ sword, with each bloody strike,
Fell on Priam’s carcass like a spike.
Out, out Fortune, thou art the bitch!
All you gods, in conference, switch,
Take away the power, break the wheel,
And send her down to the fiery hell.
For Pyrrhus’ rage could not be quelled,
As Priam’s lifeless body swelled,
And the world below was hushed in fear,
As the storm raged on, death was near.
But when the end came, it was swift,
And Pyrrhus was left to sift,
Through the aftermath of his cruel deed,
As the gods above looked down and agreed.
POLONIUS
Itʼs too long. Way too long.
HAMLET
(To Polonius.)
You should be one to say.
(To Player.)
Donʼt mind him. This old man like books with dirty pictures. Go on to the part about Hecuba.
FIRST PLAYER
Who has seen the mobled queen?
POLONIUS
Mobled queen. I like that.
HAMLET
Oh, shut up.
FIRST PLAYER
She ran like the wind, with nothing but her tears,
A scarf for a crown, and a blanket for her fears.
Fortune had played her, oh what a cruel bitch,
Taking away her throne, leaving her in a ditch.
Pyrrhus had taken pleasure in Hecuba’s pain,
Hacking her husband’s limbs, tearing him apart with disdain.
But little did he know, his act of malice and hate,
Would move the heavens and the gods, sealing his fate.
The gods must have heard Hecuba’s anguished cries,
And seen Pyrrhus revel in his wicked lies.
For even the stars shed milky tears that day,
And the gods themselves were moved to grief and dismay.
Oh Fortune, thou art a fickle mistress, indeed,
Bringing kingdoms to ruin, with no remorse or heed.
But Hecuba’s strength and courage will live on,
A testament to the human spirit, forever strong.
POLONIUS
The actor himself has become emotional and is moved to tears.
Stop! Youʼre breaking my heart.
HAMLET
Finish it up later, gents.
Polonius, lodge these men in one of the finer chambers. Make sure they get a nice room with tiny cockroaches.
POLONIUS
I will treat them as they deserve.
HAMLET
No, treat them better. Keep the power of guilt on your side.
POLONIUS
Come, sirs.
HAMLET
Follow him, friends. If he talks, do not engage.
(To First Player.)
Can you perform the Murder of Gonzago?
FIRST PLAYER
Only the first part; not the sequel.
HAMLET
I would like for you to perform it tomorrow night. Iʼve added a few extra lines. Would you recite them as well?
FIRST PLAYER
Not a problem.
HAMLET
Very well.
(To the Players.)
You all make sure you follow his cues, no matter how stupid he may appear while doing so. (Exit Polonius and Players.)
HAMLET
(To Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.)
My good friends. Welcome to Elsinore.
ROSENCRANTZ
Good night, my lord.
(Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.)
HAMLET
Now I am alone.
O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I!
How an actor could tear his soul over a fictional character, Hecuba. Whatʼs Hecuba to him, or he to Hecuba?
What would he be capable of if he had as much reason for passion as I do? He would probably drown the stage in tears and have the audience eating out of the palm of his hand.
Yet, I stand here as a spineless, spiritless mope with no sense of purpose. Why do I not take action on behalf of a king whose property and life were damnably destroyed? Why do I lack the gall to stand against injustice? Chicken shit, I am.
This ghost I have seen may have actually been an evil spirit. The devil has the power to appear in a pleasant shape.
So, I must have stronger evidence.
Guilty people, upon being touched by the power of a scene, have been moved to confession. I will watch my uncle closely during the play.
I can observe a lot by watching and, in doing so, I will be able to tell whether he is guilty or not.
The playʼs the thing with which Iʼll catch the conscience of the king.
(Exit Hamlet.)
HAMLET
Polonius, you should know, you talk too much.
FIRST PLAYER
The character of Priam fights against the Greeks, but he is too old and weak. He drops his sword and is no match for the young Pyrrhus, who strikes him down with one blow. As Pyrrhus watches the old man die, there is a moment of calm, but then a thunderstorm breaks out and Pyrrhus resumes his attack.
POLONIUS
This is too long, way too long.
HAMLET
Don’t mind him, he likes books with lots of pictures. Continue with the part about Hecuba.
FIRST PLAYER
Hecuba, the queen, runs barefoot, trying to put out the flames with her tears. She wears a scarf where a crown once stood and a blanket where a robe once was. Anyone seeing the fear in her eyes would have thought Fortune had betrayed her.
POLONIUS
This actor is becoming emotional and is moved to tears.
HAMLET
Finish it later, gentlemen. Polonius, make sure these men have a nice room with tiny cockroaches.
POLONIUS
I will make sure they are treated well.
HAMLET
No, treat them even better. Keep the power of guilt on your side.
HAMLET
(To the first player) Can you perform the play “The Murder of Gonzago”?
FIRST PLAYER
I can perform the first part, but not the sequel.
HAMLET
I would like for you to perform it tomorrow night. I’ve added some extra lines. Will you recite those as well?
FIRST PLAYER
No problem.
HAMLET
Good. (to the players) Make sure you follow his cues, no matter how strange they may seem.
(Polonius and the players exit)
HAMLET
(To Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) My dear friends, welcome to Elsinore.
ROSENCRANTZ
Good night, my lord.
(Rosencrantz and Guildenstern exit)
HAMLET
Now I am alone. Oh, what a rogue and peasant slave am I! How can an actor become so passionate over a fictional character like Hecuba? What is she to him, or he to her? What would he be capable of if he had as much reason for passion as I do? He would probably drown the stage in tears and have the audience eating out of the palm of his hand. But here I stand, a spineless, spiritless mope with no sense of purpose. Why do I not take action and make something of myself?
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